Sleep Struggles and a Step Toward Independence
This week had me all in my feels, from exhaustion and mom guilt to pride and pure joy. I felt the whole spectrum of emotions this week.
I’m still not sure whether Logan was fighting off a bug, dealing with sensory dysregulation, or just being an active sleeper as his baseline, but from Sunday through Thursday, I barely slept. For context, Logan and I co-sleep in his bed. He has sensory needs and sleeps best with snuggles and deep-pressure contact. Most nights, I’m happy to give that to him.
But this week was different.
There were nights when I woke up every twenty minutes, to him rolling on top of me, pulling the blanket off of my body, flinging an arm across my face, or kicking a leg squarely into my bladder. It felt like I was waking up to micro-bursts of chaos all night long.
At first, I handled it gently, untangling him, easing him off me, whispering reminders. But sleep deprivation changes your nervous system. By night four, I was beyond dysregulated. I heard myself say, “That’s it! I’m done! I’m going back to my own bed and you will need to sleep by yourself”. Even before I finished my rant I knew I shouldn’t have said it and I felt immediate guilt. I was making sleeping alone a punishment and causing Logan unnecessary anxiety.
And yet… in that moment, I had genuinely hit my breaking point.
Logan started to panic at the thought of me leaving him and had a hard time settling back down to sleep.
Eventually I calmed him down by snuggling him close and reassuring him that I wasn’t leaving, and he fell back asleep. He slept pretty soundly after that even though I was a spiraling mess. I made it through the night, but I carried the emotional hangover into the next day: the guilt, the frustration, the exhaustion.
Thankfully, Doug took the night shift on Thursday. I slept seven uninterrupted hours, and woke up feeling like a completely different human. Happy. Clear-headed. Kind. Energized. It was the reminder I needed: we have to start taking steps toward independent sleep for Logan.
Not someday. Soon.
While I was running on fumes and caffeine, we hit a milestone years in the making.
When we get home from school each day, Logan always goes to the bathroom and washes his hands before playing or watching TV. Usually, he waits for me to unpack his lunch box and call him to go potty. But this day, he disappeared down the hallway by himself. I assumed he was hiding, waiting for me to “find” him. Then I heard the toilet seat lift. My first thought? “Oh great, he’s decided to play in the toilet”.
But when I got down the hall to the bathroom doorway, I was surprised, in the best way.
Logan had pulled down his pants and underwear, climbed onto the toilet, and was going potty all by himself.
To most parents, that moment might seem small or way overdue considering Logan is almost five and a half. But for us? It was years of effort (and a growth spurt in September) coming together in one amazing moment:
• years of physical therapy working on core strength, stability, and balance
• years of occupational therapy strengthening his hands and fine motor skills
• countless trips to the park to climb, jump, and coordinate his body
• dance classes, gymnastics, obstacle courses
• every assistive device we tried: step stools, rails, special seats, none of which worked
And then, without warning… there he was. Doing it.
Pants down. On the toilet. By himself.
I was so proud of him. I also felt relief, gratitude and hope.
I celebrated the heck out of him. And later when we saw Pap and Grandma and then again when Daddy came home, I bragged on Logan’s accomplishment like he had taken his first steps. Because honestly? It felt like it.
This week felt like it lasted FOR-EV-ER (if you know you know), but even amongst the hard there was a moment of amazing. And I’m so happy I wasn’t asleep to it.
The good moments don’t cancel the hard, but they sure do make the hard more manageable.
If you had a week that felt impossibly long but still held a moment of good, I’d love to hear it. Share your good and hard moments from the week in the comments. We’re not meant to do this alone.